THE YOUNGER YEARS:

I was born a chubby, mexican, alcoholic little girl in July of 1973 on the shore of the finest of these 50 United States...scenic New Jersey. I grew up the poor child of an ex-hippie, single mother who enjoyed rock and roll and rockin and rollin. Trailer park frisbee and fishing off bridges in south Florida filled the days while cheap incense scented barbecues and the music of Bob Seger and Journey filled the nights. It was truly white trash heaven and I was in hell (ok, it wasn't that bad. I did enjoy the crystal meth, created in our home lab).

With a strong, stable home life ever-present, by the time I graduated high school, I had gone to 15 different schools in 13 different cities. No, we were not part of any witness protection program or a some kind of secret government operation and even if we were, I wouldn't tell you the truth because I would have to kill you (and then barbecue your dead body at one of my family's cheap incense scented barbeques, which would totally suck for you because you wouldn't believe some of the dirtbags that hang out at those things).

I started playing the drums at 8 years old and wrote my first top ten single by the ageof 9. Ok, no I didn't...but I did write a really cool song for the love of my life at the time, She-Ra, Princess of Power. As I recall, I called the song "Oh She-Ra, how I love Thee-Ra" and of course it was so awesome, I was deemed master of the freaking universe.

At the age of 12, after growing tired of the demands placed on a child at such a young age (washing dishes, making my own bed, having to actually go to school), I ran away from home and attempted to make the NYC Port Authority my new humble abode. My urine scented renaissance wouldn't last long and I chose to return home after realizing that I would be unable to fulfill my life-long dream of becoming a peep booth operator on 42nd street. That would come later.

THE OLDER YEARS:

Years 19-25 of my life were spent focusing on music as a professional drummer and a professional slacker in cities such as New York, Boston and Los Angeles. Key words for this time period include: Miller High Life (the champagne of beers), gambling for a living, running from the mafia after gambling for a living didn't quite pan out, hot girls (saying no to me), lots of jamming and of course, plenty of Fluff marshmallow spread.

Happy that I wasn't in jail and lucky that I wasn't in some sort of quarantine, I turned 25 and decided to take a stab at the world of computers and internets by starting a couple of small web-based companies. I heard you couldn't make a dime with the internet...which sounded perfect for me!

Well, after 5 years of hard work and many sleepless days, I somehow managed to become a pretentious, self righteous, super attractive millionaire by the age of 30. I currently own the world's largest and most controversial humor t-shirt company. While I'm quite happy about where I am at currently in my life, I have much loftier aspirations. My goal is to become an aloof, insanely eccentric, overweight, music mogul billionaire by the age of 40 (think Hugh Heffner meets Meatloaf), but first I need the perfect new name. I've considered changing my name to "Roast Beef" when I'm heavy enough, but I'm sure you can come up with something better.

RANDOM FACTS: • I'm a HUUUUGE Mets fan and strive to own the team in 10 years. Fred and Jeff...I will make an offer you can't refuse (to all the fans, I promise I'll get Scott Kazmir back just in time for his decline and career ending arm injury). • I recently had a succubus removed from my apartment. A succubus is a female, evil ghost spirit who sucks your creative energy from you (looking over what I just wrote above, it's quite possible that she is still here). • My heroes = John Bonham, Ricky Gervais, Larry David, Uncle Floyd, Steve Martin (older movies), Mark Cuban, Bill Buckner, Lord Xenu. • Female celebrities that I've dated: Meg Ryan, Jessica Alba, Mila Kunis, Sarah Silverman (for legal purposes, I have to state that I did in fact only date these women in my imagination and not actually in real life. I also should make it clear that I dated Meg Ryan when she was much, much younger...that is for legal purposes as well). • Fav music of all time: Zep, Mars Volta, Sade, Tribe Called Quest, The Cure, Rage Against the Machine, Radiohead, The Fat Boys, Deftones, Prince, The Police, Smashing Pumpkins (Gish), Tool, Rush, Sunny Day Real Estate, Helmet, U2, Opium Den. •Various things that I enjoy: Bowling (own my own ball and shoes, bitches) * long romantic walks on Japanese, indoor, man-made beaches * Cats that look like Hitler.

**UPDATE ** Since launching this site, a few questions have been asked repeatedly and I want to take a moment to address a couple of them. • Are you really going through with this? Are you actually going to change your name legally? Will your friends have to call you your new name? Let me first say that I don't actually have any friends, so the answer to the last part is no. Secondly...YES, I'm very serious. I am really going to go though with this. • Why are you so starved for attention? What is the deal with your retarded hat? What is wrong with you? Why are you so ugly? Mom, just stop. You don't think I can see your IP on all the various email aliases you are using?